I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
