i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
