I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
