Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
