You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you traded sex for a burrito?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
