Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
