Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
