They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
