theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
