i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize