Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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