is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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