maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just puked most of my soul out..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
