I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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