So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
