The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
