I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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