I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
