I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
