im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
