so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just want nice things and good sex
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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