we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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