woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
