New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
