your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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