worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
