would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
