maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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