ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
