Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Bring me that man meat
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize