I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
