i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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