i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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