i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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