Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
