girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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