I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize