: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
