I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
