turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
