forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
