my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
