I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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