mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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