If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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