4 words: hood of his car
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
