don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
