Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
