A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
