i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
