I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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