I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
