there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
