Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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