So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
