everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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