Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
