he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
